Sorry I haven't posted in a few days. I guess I don't have much to say. I'm still pretty caught up in moving and stuff.
I only have 5 more days of work left. That's something I look forward to being finished with. I'd really like to not have my Doc Martins covered in dough and flour for a change. However I'm training my replacement at work so I have to talk all day and I just can't do it. My throat hurts. Only one week to go.
I realised today that it's almost been 6 months since I broke up with my girlfriend. Why the fuck am I still so hung up on that? Half a year is a long time to not be myself or to be at my best. I wish I could just move on and not think about it so much. I guess it's hard because a part of me doesn't want to move on. Sometimes I really bother myself with my stupid anticts.
The bunnies are well and we're spending more time together. I can't wait until I have a place to let them run around in. We're bonding a lot and both of them are really being more affectionate towards me and letting me pet them back.
I'm going to donate blood again this week. Either tomorrow or the day after. I hope it remains a positive experience for me. In case you're shopping for a gift for me my size is O positive.
Dispite my extreme resistance towards thinking about this xmas I have started to come up with some ideas for gifts for people. I'll have to wait and see how I feel about handling the holiday this year. I think it's going to be very difficult.
I don't know if I should start packing my stuff or what just yet. I don't really know what I'm going to do moving wise right now. I need to hear back from the company that will help me find a place. I really don't have any possesions anymore so I could probably pack to move in less than a couple hours. I'll be spending a few days at Ikea once I settle in somewhere.
Generally speaking I'm just trying to roll with the punches right now. Either that or my face has gone numb and the punches just don't hurt me anymore. Life is doing it's thing and I'm just watching off to the side so that it doesn't try to leave without me. I really want a place that feels like home again.
Monday, October 15, 2007
Thursday, October 11, 2007
I feel crummy
I've been worried about moving all day and thusly my tummy is twisted in knots :(
I realized that one of the things that bothers me about working at Radical is that it's a huge commitment. I've made some big commitments before, like going to school and moving in with Syd, but this time I'm really stressed out about it. When I was reading the contract it said that if I leave Radical for any reason within 2 years I have to pay back the $5000 relocation costs. 2 years! I'm going to be working at Radical for at least 2 years!
Of course I want to be able to work some place and like working there for a long time, I just never have had a job for very long before leaving it. In fact the longest job I've ever had was 8 month, and every other job I left in less than half of that time. I usually get sick of a job after 3 months and drudge through it towards a light at the end of the tunnel where I have something else planned and a reason to quit.
I'm going to be commited to working at Radical and living in Vancouver for a long time. That really scares me. More than any other commitment I've ever made. Knowing that I definately won't be coming back to Ontario upsets me. While there was never really a possibility of me moving back at least it wasn't a 0% chance. I'm never going to hand out halloween candy or be there to help the kids grow up. I didn't get to eat at a chip truck or go to the ROM or see much of Peterborough, which I planned on living in. I'm closing a door by taking this job and moving away. I feel really panicked.
Another thing I realized was that unlike moving to Ontario where once I got there I would be met with loved ones and be able to relax, instead I have to work to get settled by myself. I don't really feel up to going on a big adventure alone. I never expected to be moving back to Vancouver without Sydney, but it's even worse to move without anyone at all.
I really need to calm down, but it's so difficult. Everything feels so final all of a sudden. I'm settling down before I feel ready to. I really hope I can find some close friends in all the people I know living in Vancouver. I really need to be hugged for a long time.
I realized that one of the things that bothers me about working at Radical is that it's a huge commitment. I've made some big commitments before, like going to school and moving in with Syd, but this time I'm really stressed out about it. When I was reading the contract it said that if I leave Radical for any reason within 2 years I have to pay back the $5000 relocation costs. 2 years! I'm going to be working at Radical for at least 2 years!
Of course I want to be able to work some place and like working there for a long time, I just never have had a job for very long before leaving it. In fact the longest job I've ever had was 8 month, and every other job I left in less than half of that time. I usually get sick of a job after 3 months and drudge through it towards a light at the end of the tunnel where I have something else planned and a reason to quit.
I'm going to be commited to working at Radical and living in Vancouver for a long time. That really scares me. More than any other commitment I've ever made. Knowing that I definately won't be coming back to Ontario upsets me. While there was never really a possibility of me moving back at least it wasn't a 0% chance. I'm never going to hand out halloween candy or be there to help the kids grow up. I didn't get to eat at a chip truck or go to the ROM or see much of Peterborough, which I planned on living in. I'm closing a door by taking this job and moving away. I feel really panicked.
Another thing I realized was that unlike moving to Ontario where once I got there I would be met with loved ones and be able to relax, instead I have to work to get settled by myself. I don't really feel up to going on a big adventure alone. I never expected to be moving back to Vancouver without Sydney, but it's even worse to move without anyone at all.
I really need to calm down, but it's so difficult. Everything feels so final all of a sudden. I'm settling down before I feel ready to. I really hope I can find some close friends in all the people I know living in Vancouver. I really need to be hugged for a long time.
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
I love you all
It's funny how moving to Vancouver makes me miss everyone in Ontario I've already moved away from even more. I'm feeling really down lately. I miss everyone more than I've realized in the last few weeks. I guess moving to Vancouver is the sign that I'm finally moving on with my life and my transition period is ending. I'm just not ready to move on yet I guess. I love you all, everyone who reads this blog to hear about how I'm doing, and I really wish I could be with you right now. I hold all of you deep in my heart.
Friday, October 5, 2007
Good news on top of a bad day
Well I guess I got a whack of good news today. It's funny because my stomache is in knots still, and I feel really depressed. First off Griffin phoned me to thank me for her brithday card, which was really sweet and made me teary afterwards. Second I got my Zombie swap package, which I'll post a photo of. And last of all I got a reply from Radical and they are going to give me an offer next week. I managed to get the job, so hurray!
Life is throwing too much at me at once and it makes me feel sick inside.
Life is throwing too much at me at once and it makes me feel sick inside.
Unhappy with myself
I've been very aware of my height lately. I notice that everyone needs my help to reach stuff and I'm often asked how tall I am. It really makes me feel uncomfortable because I'm so much taller than an average height. I don't feel like a very big person on the inside and people don't seem to realize that I might be sensitive about that sort of thing. You don't ask a short person how tall they are or fat person how much they weigh.
Last week at work I was brought to tears when I was interupted on my break twice to help someone reach something. I ended up staying in the bathroom for most of my break so that no one would know.
Today at work we had a guy from one of the coast bakeries come up to see how we do things in Kelowna. He's taller than I am by a couple inches. He might be 6'6". After seeing him today wearing the same 'not quite long enough' clothing and with the same skinny build I have I realized how freakishly tall I must look too.
I can totally understand how Sydney and I didn't work out. I don't find tall people attractive either. It's just gross, and this is coming from a tall person. The reason I often feel lanky and gangly is because I am and it shows. I always wear loose fitting bulky clothes just to try and conceal how tall and disproportionate I am. I now understand how people can say I'm a good looking guy, but have no real interest in me. Very few people would want to be with someone tall.
And of course it doesn't help that there is nothing I can do about it. This is what real upsets me. If you're short you can wear boots or heels to gain a little extra height. When you're tall what do you do? Go barefoot? It's the same thing with having red hair. If you don't have red hair you can colour your hair red. In fact you can make it any colour you want. But when you have red hair and freckles and a pale complection you're not fooling anyone if you change something.
I'm stuck with who I am and I don't like it. In fact it's really upsetting me and I don't know how to feel better. Being tall sucks!
Last week at work I was brought to tears when I was interupted on my break twice to help someone reach something. I ended up staying in the bathroom for most of my break so that no one would know.
Today at work we had a guy from one of the coast bakeries come up to see how we do things in Kelowna. He's taller than I am by a couple inches. He might be 6'6". After seeing him today wearing the same 'not quite long enough' clothing and with the same skinny build I have I realized how freakishly tall I must look too.
I can totally understand how Sydney and I didn't work out. I don't find tall people attractive either. It's just gross, and this is coming from a tall person. The reason I often feel lanky and gangly is because I am and it shows. I always wear loose fitting bulky clothes just to try and conceal how tall and disproportionate I am. I now understand how people can say I'm a good looking guy, but have no real interest in me. Very few people would want to be with someone tall.
And of course it doesn't help that there is nothing I can do about it. This is what real upsets me. If you're short you can wear boots or heels to gain a little extra height. When you're tall what do you do? Go barefoot? It's the same thing with having red hair. If you don't have red hair you can colour your hair red. In fact you can make it any colour you want. But when you have red hair and freckles and a pale complection you're not fooling anyone if you change something.
I'm stuck with who I am and I don't like it. In fact it's really upsetting me and I don't know how to feel better. Being tall sucks!
Thursday, October 4, 2007
Back from Vancouver
I got back from Vancouver last night. I think my job interview went well and I should be hearing from them early next week about whether I got the job or not. I hope I did.
It was nice to see a bunch of my friends and to go out for sushi the night before the interview. Things haven't changed too much from how I remembered it.
However seeing the city itself filled me with mixed emotions. On the one hand it was really great to be back in Vancouver and to see all sorts of familiar places and landmarks. It felt good, but it was also bittersweet. I never expected to be back in Vancouver alone. So many memories were jogged and it became a bit overwhelming. It's going to be tough to live there again. It made me really wish things were different in my life. It feels like they should be.
It was nice to see a bunch of my friends and to go out for sushi the night before the interview. Things haven't changed too much from how I remembered it.
However seeing the city itself filled me with mixed emotions. On the one hand it was really great to be back in Vancouver and to see all sorts of familiar places and landmarks. It felt good, but it was also bittersweet. I never expected to be back in Vancouver alone. So many memories were jogged and it became a bit overwhelming. It's going to be tough to live there again. It made me really wish things were different in my life. It feels like they should be.
Sunday, September 30, 2007
Karma
Sometimes I really get to feeling like karma is out to get me. Everytime something good happens to me I immediately get robbed of it by something bad. Since I always end up with the bad last I go for days with a bitter taste in my mouth. It ruins whatever good has happened to me. It just doesn't seem fair to try so hard to get anything, but always end up heartbroken. Why is it?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)