Thursday, October 11, 2007

I feel crummy

I've been worried about moving all day and thusly my tummy is twisted in knots :(

I realized that one of the things that bothers me about working at Radical is that it's a huge commitment. I've made some big commitments before, like going to school and moving in with Syd, but this time I'm really stressed out about it. When I was reading the contract it said that if I leave Radical for any reason within 2 years I have to pay back the $5000 relocation costs. 2 years! I'm going to be working at Radical for at least 2 years!

Of course I want to be able to work some place and like working there for a long time, I just never have had a job for very long before leaving it. In fact the longest job I've ever had was 8 month, and every other job I left in less than half of that time. I usually get sick of a job after 3 months and drudge through it towards a light at the end of the tunnel where I have something else planned and a reason to quit.

I'm going to be commited to working at Radical and living in Vancouver for a long time. That really scares me. More than any other commitment I've ever made. Knowing that I definately won't be coming back to Ontario upsets me. While there was never really a possibility of me moving back at least it wasn't a 0% chance. I'm never going to hand out halloween candy or be there to help the kids grow up. I didn't get to eat at a chip truck or go to the ROM or see much of Peterborough, which I planned on living in. I'm closing a door by taking this job and moving away. I feel really panicked.

Another thing I realized was that unlike moving to Ontario where once I got there I would be met with loved ones and be able to relax, instead I have to work to get settled by myself. I don't really feel up to going on a big adventure alone. I never expected to be moving back to Vancouver without Sydney, but it's even worse to move without anyone at all.

I really need to calm down, but it's so difficult. Everything feels so final all of a sudden. I'm settling down before I feel ready to. I really hope I can find some close friends in all the people I know living in Vancouver. I really need to be hugged for a long time.

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